The H1V3M1Nd!!!!1

Ah, Kerbal Space Program. A very realistic (and thus brutally difficult) space organization simulator that uses the Minions’ slightly less idiotic cousins, the Kerbals. But amongst the Kerman family, the only family name in the game (which implies in-breeding, but I don’t want to go down that rabbithole), there is a black sheep, no, an uncle in prison; Jimbo. Jimbo Kerman is like every other Kerbal, but his eyes are hyper-realistic and bloodshot (leading everyone to think he has a perpetual case of pink-eye). 

 

Very few people know of his existence. In fact, I may be the only one. You can only discover him by putting Jebediah Kerman on Eeloo within the first 22 minutes, 9 seconds, and 62 milliseconds of owning the game. If you manage to do this, you will unlock an FMV cutscene that was animated by the same people who made the CDI Zelda games. The only difference is that it has actual human eyes lazily photo-shopped in front of the character that you will soon discover is, in fact, the titular Jimbo Kerman. 

 

The FMV starts with him entering Jebediah’s junkyard that is mentioned within the game, but never actually seen until now. He floats rapidly through the gates and immediately starts stabbing Jeb’s organs with a daedric dagger; the surplus of pipe organs in his yard are due to the fact that only churches and vampires have interest in them, and neither exist on Kerbin, so he has a ton of them in the junkyard. “NOOOoooOOOOOooOOoO!!!1”, Jebediah screamed. “STOP STABBING MY ORGANS!!1” Jimbo snapped his neck around 180 degrees at (literally) break-neck speed, gazing into Jebediah’s soul with his hyper-realistic eyes. “Oh, it’s you again”, mumbled Jeb. “Are you ever going to get that pink-eye checked out?” 

 

Jimbo then screeched for a good 59.99919 seconds, then fired a giant rocket at Jeb’s chest. “Fuuu…” was the last thing Jeb said before he blew up into a million pieces. When I first saw this, despite what you are expecting me to say, I was NOT all that terrified, because the CDI animation was very hard to take seriously. Jimbo then grabbed a shotgun and ran towards Valentina Kerman’s room in the only inhabited structure on their entire planet, the damn space station. As soon as he carefully and elegantly unscrewed the door from its hinges, she said, “What are you doing here, Jimbo? I thought I told you I don’t have any pizza flavored Goldfish® you can borrow.” Jimbo replied with, “IT AIN’T ABOUT THE FISH, SISTER.” He got out his shotgun and aimed in Valentina’s general direction. “Wait, we can talk about this”, she quickly said nervously. “Maybe I can give you the poster autographed by Gene Kerman, JUST DON’T SHOOT ME!” 

 

Jimbo then fired his shotgun at the teddy bear on the couch 1 inch to the left of Valentina, and then ran towards it to stab it 77 times with his daedric dagger. Jimbo then squelched, “IT WAS ABOUT… THE DAMN BEAR.” “Well, that’s a relief”, Valentina. “Does that mean your not gonna shoot me?” Jimbo replied, “NO. I’LL ATTACK YOU TOO”. Jimbo threw a wheel at her, causing her to disintegrate. This FMV was actually amusing at this point, causing me to think it might be a deletion log refugee or something. His final target was Wernher von Kerman, a research and development… person(?) who was in a blank white room with wooden crates for some reason. He said, “What are you doing in my official artwork, inferior one?” Knowing that his story has already run too long, Jimbo cut to the chase, yelled, “I SHALL SACRIFICE YOU TO THE KRAKEN!!!!!1”, and put him in a rocket of his own design as he fired it into Kerbol, the sun of Kerbin. 

 

At the end of the FMV, Jimbo ran towards the screen, saying, “YOUR NEXT!” (and yes, he said YOUR, not YOU’RE). After it ended, Jimbo Kerman was unlocked for use. His bravery and stupidity were both maxed out, and he had a special ability that rendered him immune to the kraken. Jebediah was replaced with Eumon, Valentina with Bobak, and Wernhrer von with Dinkelstein. Also, 2 days after this happened, Jimbo stepped through the computer and killed me by beating me with a wing 68 times. That’s about it, thank you! :)