Wabbu.exe 2
Okay, girls and boys! Anyone remember Wabuu.exe? No? Me neither. But here’s a sequel. Enjoy it or else he will attempt to come for you. But don’t expect him to actually succeed, because Wabuu.exe kind of sucks at being a .exe entity/demon/creature thingy. Anyways, here is the sequel that is totally justified in its right to exist.
Ever since Xavier, a.k.a. CoffeeGod29 experienced the “terror” that was Wabuu.exe, a lot of things have changed significantly. Phoenix Games has evolved into a full-fledged AAA video game company, with Animal Soccer World 2 being one of the best selling sports games of time! Of course, Animal Soccer World 2 is literally just a viciously predatory loot box/slot machine cesspool that drains your entire life savings away due to its addictive nature, thus causing you to get evicted from your home, and therefore, lose your access to video games, but I digress. Anyways, Phoenix Games is a AAA company in real life now, as this is a 1000% real story. Anyways, back to the story.
But then Phoenix Games made a big, big mistake. They decided to release the legacy edition of Countryside Bears to the public (albeit with a bunch of retroactively added microtransactions that forced you to pay $20 per 10 seconds of the “movie” unless you wanted to grind for 48 hours per dollar in the coloring, jigsaw puzzles, and/or slide puzzles). However, when they were editing the game to add all this shit, instead of picking up the normal version of Countryside Bears, they instead used the disc that contained the version haunted by Wabuu.exe that one of the interns retrieved from the ditch that Xavier threw it in! But the intern was not available to tell them that, as his boss sent him to watch a haunted and/or “creepy” bootleg episode of some show before it was released to the public (which is something that interns do a lot).
So anyways, what happens when you introduce stuff meant for a modern game with online and stuff into what is basically a flash game with little thought or content? You get a buggy and broken mess of code that performs no viable function whatsoever! But because neither the developers at Phoenix Games nor the ESRB actually play the games before they release/rate them, the incorrect version of Countryside Bears: Legacy Edition was released upon the world! But little did they know that if you copy a disc with an evil .exe demon on it, the .exe demon is copied as well! When people bought the game en masse, as let’s be honest, no matter how low the reputation of a AAA company is, their games always seem to sell well, some of them became mind controlled by its influence! But when the code of an .exe demon is altered, sometimes the way it functions is completely and utterly changed, and it gains mind control powers! How contrived!
So because Wabuu.exe was happy that he was no longer quite as pathetic as he used to be, and because he lives under the delusion that he is, in fact, GOD (not God, but GOD), he used his powers to cause an honest to god cult to form that worships him! Except the cult calls him Y for some reason. Why, exactly, I don’t know. Maybe altering his code may have done something to what little of a brain he had as well. Anyways, the cult of Y also managed to find a cheat code within what little of a thing Countryside Bears: Legacy Edition was. By putting in the following input: up left right down down right left up x a b y y b a x, and then clicking both of the joysticks, a portal to hell dimension #667 would open up right there in front of any PS4 of the cult’s choice! Y was very pleased! So basically, anyone who played Countryside Bears: Legacy Edition (which was a vast amount of people; even Fallout 76 has a large player base) got sucked into Y’s little hell dimension whenever the Cult of Y felt like it! And while those poor souls were there, Y basically just did the “why are you hitting yourself” thing on them constantly while another Y put bunny ears behind them. So as you can see, the torture was for real.
So now that you have the backstory of Phoenix Games, Countryside Bears: Legacy Edition, Y, and the Cult of Y, we can now begin the actual story. What is this, Anthem? Anyways, ever since Xavier wrote his story about his experience with Wabuu.exe, the FBI was actually rather impressed that Xavier was NOT an idiotic, cowardly drama queen who got killed by his own intense stupidly. So they fired that forgettable temporary replacement for Mulder, John Dogget, and hired Xavier to take his place in the X-Files. Now that we have someone that fills the special agent/detective/etc role, we can rip-off that terrible sequel to the already terrible Sonic.exe far more closely!
Somebody then gave Xavier a task that reminded him all too much of Wabuu.exe; he was assigned on some sort of mission to deal with the Cult of Y. “Who the fuck is Y?”, Xavier asked his superior. The superior, annoyed that Xavierrandomly cursed for some reason, told him that Y is what Wabuu.exe renamed himself for some reason. “Wabuu.exe? That absolute idiot who absolutely failed at trying to scare me? That loser is creating a cult and sending people to some hell dimension? How in the mother of god did he suddenly change from a loser into something slightly dangerous?” His superior shrugged and said “probably because H1V3M1ND 3V0LV3D wrote this shit.”
So after Xavier cringed for a while at was his existence as a character has come to for a few hours (not that it had much going for it), he left the building to hunt down the Cult of Y just to get this story over with quicker. Thankfully, he knew where to begin his investigation; Phoenix Games HQ. But because the FBI (not even the trueiest version from this real story) cannot enter another country, as the primary Phoenix Games HQ is in the Netherlands, he went to the US Phoenix Games HQ instead. What he saw when he got inside was revolting. He was greeted with a bunch of screams of terror coming from a room to his left labeled “Intern Torture Room”; judging by the meladramatic screams, Xavier infered that the screening for Dead Proffesor Oak’s Suicide Cry.avi: Hope is Town Syndrome was not very well recieved. Besides that, a bunch of people had flaming chains attached to their ankles, binding them to their cubicles and effectively forcing them in perpetual crunch 24/7. Not only that, but in the center, Phoenix Games’ CEO, Mammon Emily Jackson Stewart, was talking to Old Scratch himself (Old Scratch being the devil’s lamest alias, only used when doing boring stuff) about how to make as much money as possible while screwing over the consumers of his products (to be fair, Dinosaur Adventure 4 is better as food than it is as a game).
“Mammon Emily Jackson Stewart, your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower!”yelled Xavier to, well, Mammon Emily Jackson Stewart. Mammon replied with, “What the hell?! Who the fuck are you?!” Xavier then flashed his FBI badge, to which Mammon turned to the slightly peeved devil and said, “Sorry, I got some business to deal with. Be back in a second.” Old Scratch flipped him off, but said “Remember, next time, sacrifice an albino goat” before disappearing in a puff of brimstone. Mammon turned to him and said, “Listen, Mr. FBI man, I don’t know what you are doing in my dungeon, er, HQ, but I don’t want anyone besides my slaves in the bottom floor of my HQ where all the work is done for some reason. So get this over with, and make it snappy, FBI boy.” Xavier completely blacked out during that entire monologue out of intense boredom, but eventually he came to and remembered that he was indeed a person and had some official business to do for that agency he was indeed a part of. He said, “You know that… product you released, Countryside Bears: Legacy Edition? Well, it is mind controlling people and sending them to a hell dimension, and we need to question you for it.”
“Yeah, so? You think I give a fuck?” was the C.E.O.’s response. “Oh, do you want me to show you how shit it is right in front of your eyes?”, squelched Xavier. “Come on, let me show you the garbage you made!” It took the intern 3 hours to fetch the console and television from the dark, dusty, cobweb filled basement. It was meant to be used for testing the games, but that took too much time and money for Phoenix Games! After Xavier showed Mammon Emily Jackson Stewart the game, he was horrified. “Th-th-this… this is just a blank glitchy screen! How the hell are we going to monetize this?” Xavier, somewhat disgusted by that response, turned to him and said, “You know this isn’t the scary part, right?” Mammon nodded, and said, “We are aware that Y is pulling people into hell, by the way. But we didn’t care until we saw the absolute horror. I mean, we can’t monetize the game! We can’t monetize the game!!!!!1” “So, are you going to join my party so we can get this over with?”, asked Xavier. The C.E.O., one dimensional and stereotypical as ever, said “No, but one of my interns will instead.” So Xavier left Phoenix Games HQ with Jerry the Intern. As they left the building, they heard Mammon re-summon Old Scratch and, in a panic, he yelled “W̸̱͒ė̸̙ ̸̣́c̴͖̒ȧ̴̩n̸̲̏'̶̙̀t̶̜̂ ̴͖̈m̸̡̔o̴̬͗n̶̞̊e̵̗͊t̵͖̚i̷̡̊z̵͍̒e̷̖̐ ̶̟̕t̵̲͒ȟ̵͕ḙ̴̉ ̴̪̂g̶̬̚ä̶̙́m̷͕̑e̴̮̿!̴̜̓!̷̡̈́!̵̼͘!̷̦̈!̷̞̚!̴͙̈́ ̷̻̉H̶̦̾ḙ̴͠l̸̦̅p̷̘̔!̷̙̉!̶̢̇!̴͔̇!̶̭͐!̴̙͌!̶̪͐!̴͇͂@̶̠̀!̴̨̃!̵̭͐!̴͈͘!̶͔̾”
Xavier started talking to Jerry the Intern, asking him if he had any idea what in the mother of god to do from here, as Xavier realized he forgot to actually question Mr. Stewart and thus had no information whatsoever. Jerry shrugged and said, “Well, this one guy named ThundaMonsta525 has been spam calling me on my Blackberry® Storm™ for 3 days straight. Maybe he will have some info.” Just as he finished speaking, ThundaMonsta525 called him again, with his ringtone blasting loudly: “Wake me up: wAAaaAaAAke me up insiIIiIIIiIde! I can’t wake up: WaaaAAaKE me up inSiiiIiDe! sAAAaAAAaAAaAve mEEeeEEEeeEEeE…” Jerry the Intern quickly answered the call and put it on the speaker setting. The voice of a 23 ½ year old suddenly screamed through the phone. “Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Thank Ratatoskr you finally picked up! I need you to help me! I have info on this raccoon thing called Y! Please let me speak!!!!1” Jerry rolled his eyes and said, “Dude. You know I’m not Bob, right?” Suddenly ThundaMonsta525 calmed down a bit. “You mean you aren’t Bob James? This is a wrong number? Shit. Bob always wanted to be a character in a creepypasta.” “Dude, this isn’t a creepypasta.”, Jerry replied. “Its a trollpasta.” After ThundaMonsta525’s disappointed sigh finally ceased after about 30 seconds, he said, “Well I guess I could use your help to get me out of this hell dimension that the cult I was once a part of put me in - shit! I gave away the twist! Damn it!”
So then Xavier decided to speak. “Is The Wabuu actually doing anything even remotely bad?” was the first question he asked to ThundaMonsta525. The ‘unfortunate’ soul replied with, “Actually, it’s not all that bad in here. All Y is really doing is pulling pathetic pranks on us such as that ‘got your nose’ thing. The reason we want out is because if he finds out we are only scared ironically, he will get all sad and start blasting How Could This Happen to Me by Single Plan while sobbing incredibly loudly and eating all the ice cream straight out of the carton. If that happens, the torment will be true torment.” Both Xavier and Jerry the Intern stuttered in pain at the thought of that. So then Xavier questioned ThundaMonsta525 about where the headquarters of the cult was, mainly because he didn’t want to dredge through an ocean of seemingly endless filler like the guy from the story this is ripping off had to. ThundaMonsta525 then told them where the Cult of Y’s headquarters was, and the location sent shivers down everyone’s spine.
Detroit. Xavier, Jerry the Intern, and ThundaMonsta525 (who was still on speakerphone, as Jerry did not seem to be aware that this would make his phone bill skyrocket) had to go to the absolute hellhole that is Detroit. It took them 23 weeks of procrastination before they finally mustered up the courage to actually go there, of course. During that time, at least a hundred more people were probably sent to hell dimension #667, but it’s not our heroes’ fault; if YOU had to go to Detroit, you’d do the same thing. Admit it. Anyways, after all that procrastinating, they all took a 1st class flight to Detroit (which they were able to afford due to the ridiculous amount of money Xavier now made in the X-Files; this explanation is so necessary). What they saw when they got out of the plane was horrifying; it was Detroit. Have I bashed Detroit enough? I mean, rusty nails constantly rain down from the sky, the streets are made of frozen rat piss, and demons roam the streets randomly consuming people’s souls. Detroit is that bad. Okay, fine, I’ll stop my random sudden rant and get back to the story itself.
Anywhoozle, Xavier and Jerry the Intern roamed the infernal realm of Detroit for hours, randomly asking people on the street where the headquarters of the Cult of Y was. Of course, they mostly got either ignored, glared at, or flipped off, as most assumed they were just more insane crackpots that appear in every city. However, just when it seemed hope was lost, he finally figured out where the Cult of Y was located; they met at the local White Castle every Wednesday from 3:33 PM to 5:01 PM. However, although it was Wednesday, the time was 5:02 PM. So they had to stay in Detroit the entire week just so they could catch them. During that time, Smile Dog tried to kill them, Eyeless Jack ate Jerry the Intern’s left kidney for brunch, and Slender Man even screamed a bunch of loud static in front of Xavier’s face, even though that jump scare was neither scary or dangerous, and Xavier laughed it off. But finally, it was Wednesday at 3:33 PM. Our heroes sprinted towards the White Castle; Xavier drew his pistol that all FBI agents have, Jerry the Intern revealed his prized Supreme® nunchaku, and ThundaMonsta525 did… nothing, since he was still only present v.i.a speakerphone.
As soon as Xavier entered the White Castle, he bellowed at the top of his lungs, “PUT ‘EM UP, BOYS!”. There were eleven cultists there, all of which were in their mid-40s and probably still lived with their parents. The yellow robes did nothing to make them any more intimidating. In the center of the booth they were sitting at was a tv with a PS4 attached to it, an on the other wide, amongst the static, was a poorly-animated raccoon with black and red eyes; the tituallar Wabuu.exe, or as he insists to be called now, Y. He was annoyed at getting interrupted and twisted his neck to look at the person who screamed. “What the damn hell are you doing? We’re trying to send people to my hell dimension here… wait, CoffeeGod29?! Why the fuck are you here again?! I never wanted to be near you again! GO AWAY!” Xavier rolled his eyes and replied with the following, “Oh no, The Wabuu is telling me to leave again. I guess that means I totally have to leave now… Jerry, sic ‘em.” Jerry the Intern started whirling his Supreme® nunchaku rapidly, charging towards the cultists. The cultists, scared as hell, all ran away through the White Castle’s emergency exit, putting up absolutely no fight what-so-ever. Jerry the Intern then ran up to the TV and started going absolutely berserk on it. Y screamed loudly in agony as the television he used to contact the world and send others to his hell dimension via the “game”.
As the TV became so battered you couldn’t even tell what it originally was anymore, Jerry backed away from it slowly. After two minutes of nothing, he said “You know, I really thought something more was going to happen. This is very anticlimactic". Xavier shrugged and said, “That’s .exe demons for you. Even on the rare occasion they don’t just try messing with you in really bad quality flash games, they usually do absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.” ThundaMonsta525, however, was incredibly pissed. Because since the only way to go in and out of Hell Dimension #667 was destroyed, he and everybody else there would be trapped in there forever. The last thing he said before hanging up in rage, certain that he will actually be tormented for a while by an overdramatic Y, was “FUCK YOU JACKASSES!” 2 weeks later, Xavier promptly got fired from his job at the FBI for his lapse in judgement. As he got fired, the Seinfeld theme played in the background and the credits rolled.
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