The H1V3M1Nd!!!!1

It was a miserable, rainy winter morning. I was zoning out bored on the sofa, annoyed that the only thing on TV at the moment was Full House reruns. Just when I thought I was going to pass out from boredom, my doorbell suddenly rang. I went up to my door, and some highly suspicious man put down a box. He had a large, pink afro, wore a Nickelback shirt, and his vehicle was a plain white van with “FedEx” written on it in permanent marker. He said, “This box is yours, bitch”, and sprinted back to his van before driving away at 120 mph.

 

I took the box out of confused, morbid curiosity, because I had literally nothing else to do. I opened it, and inside was a note from my friend, Jack. It said something about there being a disc inside and how I should destroy it or something. Listen, I don’t remember EXACTLY what it said, because I crumbled it up and threw it away; Jack is known for his pathetic attempts to troll people. The disc inside the box confirmed this theory; it was The Countryside Bears by Phoenix Games.

 

I decided it would be fun to pop it into my PS2 and ironically watch the “movie” that was going to inevitably be inside. However, upon closer inspection, I realized something written on the back; “PUT THIS IN THE PC, NOT THE PS2”. It was then that I realized, “This is going to be another shitty .exe game, isn’t it? Fuck my life.” I inserted the CD into my laptop, hoping to GOD that something interesting would be on TV soon. The title screen for the “game”, despite my low expectations, was fucking hilarious. It was a gif of some VERY poorly animated raccoon holding a bottle of beer and waltzing back and forth drunk with the following “song” in the background on a loop, “Shoop-de-dap-de-doo, I am the Wabuu I hop here and… also there. Shoop-de-dap-de-doo, I don’t wear any shoes. And shoop-de-dap-de-do-do-doo.” I have no clue what the hell I just typed, but according to the mockbuster wiki, those are apparently the lyrics.

 

After this utter hilarity, I clicked the start button, which was just an M.S Paint rectangle with “START” typed in it in Comic Sans. As I clicked it, the start screen was altered slightly for a fraction of a second. As I do not have a photographic memory of split-second images, all I really remember is the grass turning black, the sky turning red, and The Wabuu’s eyes turning a combination of black and red. I found this attempt at edginess very amusing, and I let out a brief chuckle. However, it then took me to a character select screen. The background was that thing that is used everywhere that is associated with the Russian Sleep Experiment for some reason, and the characters available were some squirrel (apparently named Wuschel or Silly or something), some Kangaroo allegedly named Mii, and, for some reason, Duck King from Fatal Fury. As absurd as this was, I was somewhat relieved that this disc had more of a game on it then the real version by Phoenix Games.

 

After searching to see what was on the Television only to find NASCAR, I clicked on Wuschel (let’s just call him that…). When I did, the screen blacked out. I quickly paused the game and got my stopwatch out of the attic so I could mockingly keep track of every time the game does this “scary” trick. About 1.33 seconds later, the words “DO YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?.” showed up on the screen with red, corrupted text. The hilarity didn’t come until I heard some 20-something year old man read the text out loud in his pathetic attempt at a demonic voice. After I was finished laughing, I said “Nice demon voice. Sure, I’ll play with you, you little scamp”. I knew the game wasn’t sentient, but I just enjoy mocking things. After 4.1 more seconds of black, the title of the stage popped up; “FOREST OF GREEN”. I was in an extremely flat, green plane with clip-art trees in the background. The song in the background was probably some stock music, but it was played in reverse. The character I was playing was a terrible sprite of Wuschel, possibly rivaling the shittiness of Dingo’s version of him. I walked left, only to find a wall. It then hit me; I was playing another one of those “WALK RIGHT SIMULATOR 2019” games.

 

I sighed and started walking right, waiting for something scary to happen. After 1 minute and 30 seconds, I briefly stopped, but after seeing that the alternative to playing this “game” was watching Love Island, I continued walking right for 14.2 more seconds. Then, the stock music stopped and a lot of poorly cut-out google images of organs started appearing all over the place. I sarcastically remarked, “Oh no, there’s pointless gore everywhere, and your super scary reversed music stopped. I’m sooooooo scared.” After 22 more seconds of this, I saw a poorly rendered sprite of The Wabuu, with his eyes closed. A cutscene happened, with the wretched sprite of Wuschel slowly moving towards The Wabuu. When he made contact, The Wabuu opened his eyes, showing two bloodshot human eyes photoshopped in front his actual eyes for a split second before cutting to black. I laughed hysterically at how absolutely ridiculous this looked. Then, red text appeared on the screen, complete with the 20-year-old demon voice; “Time to play hide and seek”.

 

“Okay, The Wabbu”, I replied sarcastically. “I assume I’m gonna hide, better start counting!!!1" It then cut to Wuschel, in a flat red plane, with the first result for “Hell” you get on a Google search as the background. Wuschel was pointing to the right with a “worried” look on his face (or about as worried as a Dingo Pictures copy-paste character can look). “I am TOTALLY worried about the wellbeing of a fictional mockbuster character”, I said to the game sarcastically, not giving even the slightest fraction of a fuck. I walked right for 40.1 seconds before something else FINALLY happened. The Wabuu suddenly materialized in front of Wuschel. The 20-year-old demon impression then said the following; “I AM THE GREATEST KILLER OF ALL TIMES!” Then he pulled out an axe and swung it towards Wuschel, cutting to black as I heard some edgy 13-year-old screaming at the top of his lungs into the microphone because his Mom wouldn't get him V-bucks.

 

After I stopped laughing like a maniac at the sheer ridiculousness on my computer screen, it cut back to the character select screen. I tried clicking on Duck King, but it showed a LOUD AS HELL screamer with a bunch of random creepypasta tropes flashing in succession (Squidward’s Suicide, Jeff the Killer, Suicidemouse.avi, etc.) “Nice piracy there, game!”, I replied to the pathetic jumpscare after a fit of laughter. “Your originality is sooooooo stunning!” The 20-year-old demon voice then said, “SELECT THEM IN ORDER, BEE-YATCH.” So, I selected the Kangaroo (Mii I think). It showed another flat plane that was so similar to the Hell stage from the Wuschel segment that I really don’t remember if there even were any differences, besides some stock explosions lazily put on top of it. After walking right for so long I forgot to click stop on the stopwatch, The Wabuu started lazily floating towards Mii, like someone was using the drag tool in Adobe Photoshop. The music was also the Mario world 1 theme sped up to oblivion.

 

I ran towards him just so I could get this shit over with. After a VERY inspired and TOTALLY NOT CLICHE screen of static, The Wabuu appeared in front of Mii, with pixelated smoke plastered in front of him. After checking to see if what was on TV was anything good only to find Maury, I did the cliched run into him a bunch of times only for him to teleport behind you thing for a solid 32 seconds or so. Then, Mii started crying, but eventually the demon voice said, “I SHALL FAT YOU LIKE A BERRY”, before The Wabuu swung the axe at the Kangaroo, with the exact same sound clip of the 13-year old screaming playing over it. After laughing for a bit more, it went back to the character select screen again.

 

However, before I could click on Duck King, something very, very odd happened. The screen turned to a hyper-realistic close-up of The Wabuu’s face with the eyes of Smile Dog photoshopped in front of what would probably be his real eyes. Then he Wabuu started talking to me. He said, “COME THE FUCK ON! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT SCARED OF ME, COFFEEGOD29? WHY?!?!?!?1” I replied with, “Nice attempt at reading my username to make me think you know my name, but unfortunately for you, my username is not my real name. Sorry about that.” The Wabuu replied with, “Damn it, okay, let me see if I can find your name… Kyle?”

 

I said, “No.” “Tom?” “Nope.” “Clark?” “No.” “Susan?” “NOT EVEN CLOSE.” “Dirk?” “Nope.” “Carl?” “No.” “MITCH?! DEVIN?! RINGO?! HARRY?! GIVE ME A HINT HERE!!!!!” After all of this back and forth, I eventually gave The Wabuu my name.

 

“Xavier. My name is Xavier.” The Wabuu, rather pissed, said “HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO GUESS THAT? Whatever, I’ll just continue calling you CoffeeGod29.” “Yeah, you do that”, I replied. “Anyways, what are you, exactly”. He replied with the following; “I am the lord of demons. I take people who are stupid and/or stoned enough to watch the movies I am in and torment them for eternity… or until I get bored.” Then, an incredibly loud screaming noise came from the TV as the words “I AM GOD” appeared on the screen. After another fit of uncontrolled laughter, I started mocking the demonic-kangaroo-raccoon creature by bowing to

him in a vastly exaggerated manner, while making sarcastic remarks about how much of a god he is.

 

This must have pissed him off quite a bit, as he screamed, “LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS!” As he said that, a bunch of disjointed, spooky imagery (mostly scenes from The Thing) started flashing on my screen. I found this pathetic attempt to be edgy and scary amusing, and I started singing to make fun of him (even though I absolutely suck at singing). “CRAaaaaAaAAaAWLING IIiiIiiiiIIN MY SKIIIiiiIIIiiiiIIN!!!!! THESE WOooOOOooOUNDS THEY WIIiIIiiIIIiLL NOT HEAaAAAaaAL!!!!!!!1 FEEEeeeEEEeAR IS HOOOOoooOOOoW I FAAaAaAAAaaaLL!!! CONFUUUuuuUUuUuuSING WHAAaaAAaT IS REEEeeEEeAL!!! WHOoOoooOOOoOoOOA!!!!!!111”

 

“Agh!”, The Wabuu screamed in total agony, “Please, stop singing! What the hell are you even trying to say?” I continued singing my butchered rendition of that Linkin Park song, annoying… whatever the hell The Wabuu is supposed to be at this point even more. Eventually, he screamed “LOOK! I’M MAKING YOUR CD TRAY OPEN AND CLOSE! OOOOOOOOH!” I looked down at my erratic CD tray and said, “Oh no. I’m slightly annoyed. You DEFINITELY got me this time.” Sensing my sarcasm, that kanga-coon-demon started a countdown timer and said, “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! IN THIRTY SECONDS, I WILL USE THE SUPERNATURAL POWER ALL .EXE GAMES HAVE TO SEND YOU TO HELL! PREPARE TO DIE, COFFEEGOD29!”

 

I then started moving my hand towards the CD tray the game was in. “Wait, uh, what are you doing?”, replied The Wabuu in a panicked manner. “Wait, please, don’t eject the CD, WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, MAYBE WE CAN HAVE DINNER AT APPLEBEE’S OR SOMETHING, JUST DON’T EJECT THE DIS---” I then ejected the disc from my computer and threw it in a ditch, because the game was somehow even more worthless than your average Phoenix Game. And that, my friend, was the only scary thing about this.